18/01/2018 It’s already a month ...

Wish that I’m daring enough to be like him to end his life from all the pain that he’s suffering ... But once gone is really gone... I’m not brave enough to be like him, it’s wasted and really sad to lose him at this young age. He don’t deserve all the shit, all the stress and tolerate all the pain ... everyone have their own life and their own depression!

“수고했어요 정말 고생했어요
辛苦了 真的辛苦了

그댄 나의 자랑이죠

- End of A Day : 종현 (Jong Hyun)

Please think for the others !

I’m so mad right ! Such an unreasonable old witch! Really hate her so much! The weather is so bad recently and these two days the sun is out and you expect me to head out just to  pay the CC bill for you??? Seriously! All the laundry I can do it myself I doesn’t need you to help, all the meals I also can cook for my Husband and my kids I don’t need you to do it for me. Just because I’m living under your fucking house, just because I’m living with you I have to tolerate all your bullshit. You didn’t even appreciate what I fucking did for you and this house when you all in bad situations. I also could go out to earn money and buy a flat just for me and my boys, I really doesn’t wanted to live under this fucking house of yours!

So what if it’s your house but I have to follow all your stupid idiot traditional rules or even tolerate your commands and comments! I’m not your servant, I’m your Son Wife! Your DIL! I’m someone else daughter as well! You bloody hell old witch! I can’t stop myself from hating you more and more! I could just fight back for myself and my boys or even my Husband! I don’t need you in my fucking life! Not even a second I fucking needs you! 

Another bad morning ...

Good morning ! It’s another day of bad weather and bad starts of the morning ... I just wish I can leave this place or even leave this fucking world of mine, can’t believe that I’ve got to tolerate all these shit that I don’t deserve ... even my Husband understands what’s going on and the situations that have to be solve but somehow she just have no brain to think. She just so selfish and think only for herself, she can’t think on the other side.

Just now I wanted to cook Korean Ramen (Instant noodle)  for my breakfast because I really don’t feel like eating the food from my house coffee shop. She comment in a tone just like telling me off, she said that I’m already pregnant but yet I keep eating instant noodle. On the starts when I’m having the third one she also comment that I’m pregnant but keep eating instant noodle, she comment that I should not eat so much instant noodle but eat more good and fresh food. 

I don’t understand! Really don’t understand! Why she got to order me so much when I’m already pregnant with the third one and think about financial I’m already rich enough to eat instant noodle. It’s not that I like to eat instant noodle! Most of the time I’ve got no cash and also would like to save up some money to buy diapers and mostly her groceries! That’s why I have to eat instant noodle, it’s not that good for health I fucking know and especially during pregnancy... but most of the time I’ve just got no choice but at least there’s food for me to settle a meal, at least! 

I have no idea what she’s thinking! She also don’t cook food that is specially for pregnant lady so why is she commenting so much? Every day dinner I’ve got to suffer and force myself to eat what she cooks and mostly it doesn’t suits my appetite. I wish to settle my own dinner most of the time or even get takeout food but I’m just afraid that she would thinks that I doesn’t want to eat what she cooks and give me some faces. I’ve encountered !

So currently I have not eaten my breakfast yet and later I still need to go for work ... what a good starts of the day! I’ve to take my insulin before my meal, thank god that I’ve yogurt drinks at home so for a time I won’t faint due to Low sugar. 


Once again the other me appear at this hour ... feeling damn hopeless and useless, feeling that my life is exactly worthless and pointless. I just wish I could sleep for a Long Long time just to leave everything behind and make myself feel so much better not to care a single thing. I’m really feeling so so tired, I’m really hopeless and I find myself really hopeless that I can’t fight for my rights in this house. Some times I wish I could take a sharp knife and cut so hard on my hand, just to make myself temporary feel better.

Nothing is worth in my life, I feel that I’m actually burdened to all the people who loves and concern about me. I pity my boys to live under this kind of environment and this kind of people. I have doubts and wondering why most of the time and I do have regrets too. Why am I the only one who have to tolerate and suffer all the shit from this house! 

I wish that I have a house of my own just me, my boys and my Husband !!! I really can’t wait for this day to come but even though I have a new house but in the end I still got to leave with that someone which ruin my marriage life. I have lots of hates towards her but I hesitated as well, I’ve always think that I’m the one who’s giving the problem not the others. 

I just wish to leave this place ... I’m so tired! Crying just a temporary release but in the end I’m just being someone who doesn’t really know the real me. I love my boys! I love my family and I love my Husband! But most of the time I’m just hopeless and useless ...

Feeling so depressed ...

I really can’t think of ways to save myself, I’m feeling so so hopeless and useless... These recent two years I keep having thoughts of regrets for all what I have now, full of regrets! Which makes me really so depressed, I just can’t stop thinking of the past and the present. Why do I being so naive and stupid to let someone take advantage of me when although we are really so loving and true to one another. I believe my Husband also feel stress and tired since the day I’ve gave birth to my elder Son, but we were used to be enjoy ourselves and we’re so happy. But after since I’ve delivered my second Son everything have change, a lot ... Which I can’t imagine what happened to me, since when I became more sensitive and depressed. I really can’t help myself from all the nonsense and shit that I’ve to face and settle for this home.

Year 2017, September is the worst nightmare that I’ve could not imagine, I found out that I was pregnant with my third child. Once my MIL knew about it and we both alone as my Husband went out for work, me and MIL brought the kids to the child care and then she speaks to me about abortion. The tone she speaks and the words she speaks to me I’ll never forget in my life. She did more than that to hurt me and mentally slowly killing me, my Husband and MIL herself told me that she’s just too straight forward. But I would like to say that she’s actually heartless and totally selfish.

I’ve always been respecting her and give in to her because she the elderly in the house and in another point she’s my Husband’s mum. There’s a lot of things and situation whereby I’ve totally no rights or unable to fight for myself, my kids and some time my Husband. She just being so unreasonable some times and mostly she have no logic and no brain to just speak out words that is totally hurtful and unacceptable.

Now it’s already year 2018, a brand new year but to me I feel that it’s the year when my war begins... My DD to deliver is on the Month of May, hopefully I’ll still be able to fight my life back when I have delivered ... I prepare for the worst! 





活得好累!没自由!没权利!没有安全感!💔💔💔 一切后悔都太迟了,这条路我应该说是我自己选的?还是天注定的?我真的好累!我也没理由去比较自己和其他人的情况有多糟,每个人都有自己的痛苦也无法理解为什么就是活得那么痛苦。一天过着一天都是一种煎难!我真的很认同钟铉Oppa的一句话,为什么要活着!?

Last day of year 2017

Love my boys so much! Spend my last day of 2017 at home with my boys and MIL ... I believe year 2018 is going to be a world war to me, I’ll never get s better life or a better living ... I deserve better but people around me are pushing me away from happiness! Peace and joy! ... 

Saturday, 30th December 2017

My family bought a cake randomly as my Father requested, he said that it’s his “birthday. I was confused in the first place but then I went to my mum and she told me that year 2017 is my Father’s 59 years old, so to get rid of all the bad lucks we have to get a cake and blow the candles. Blow away all the bad lucks and unlucky stuff around ... 

My brother ordered a cake through food panda from Emicakes store. It’s cost $55.80 for the cake I think, it’s 15cm and there’s a $3 charges for delivery ...

Got my boys to be involved haha! They love birthday celebration and especially blowing candles! My cuties~ I’ve got quite a few photos but only decided to upload these two photos.

Latest post ...

18/01/2018 It’s already a month ...

Wish that I’m daring enough to be like him to end his life from all the pain that he’s suffering ... But once gone is really gone... I...