Good morning it’s Friday today, two more days to my baby full month and I’m free from confinement. But somehow I’m not free from myself, from this house and the people I’m living with. That someone just can’t stop commenting me and my family some times, I can’t take it but still got to face the facts. I’m really so tired and going crazy to live like this, why there’s such people in the world! I wish the one who die is me not her, I should have die on that day when I deliver my third baby. It’s an danger and emergency deliver but somehow I make it through, now I think back why god let me make it through when I need to leave this work.
The old me is loooong gone for years, it’s getting far and far from myself. I can’t face the reality, I can’t accept and tolerate the words and actions she did to me! Do I really deserve all these shit and continue living ?! Nobody wish to understand how I’m feeling and what I’m going through, I also doesn’t wish to talk about it either because I feel that all the topic irritates people. There’s times when I hate to listen and talk to people even my own family members, which I don’t know why and something that I’m unable to control.
Really wish to be alone most of the time, doesn’t want to talk or even go out. Just wish to stays home Everyday and sleep through the day but it’s just so difficult for me. I have family and kids to look after which leads me more tiring till I’m unable to focus on myself what I really need and to save myself too.
The worst thing in my life is not having kids and responsibilities for my family but the no cure illness which make my life stressful and miserable. Just like riding a roller coaster for lifetime, when you’re controlling well the result will be good but when you’re not doing well everything is really damn bad. Got to focus on it and family too all in once which is really tiring and torturing but there’s no one you could approach for help and concern...
When days and times passed by there’s more to think about and all is negative and so depressed which I really wish to die most of the time. I wanted to hurt myself to make myself feel more pain to relieve the pain inside me but people around me are just commenting why I’m doing that which I feel so irritated. There’s no way for me to vent my anger or even relieve the pain inside me, so that’s why I’m feeling so down and kept everything inside myself.
(Image from Google search)