[throwback] Jaxson Baby Shower

SHINee 10th Year Anniversary!

Good morning ... it’s Friday !

Good morning it’s Friday today, two more days to my baby full month and I’m free from confinement. But somehow I’m not free from myself, from this house and the people I’m living with. That someone just can’t stop commenting me and my family some times, I can’t take it but still got to face the facts. I’m really so tired and going crazy to live like this, why there’s such people in the world! I wish the one who die is me not her, I should have die on that day when I deliver my third baby. It’s an danger and emergency deliver but somehow I make it through, now I think back why god let me make it through when I need to leave this work. 

The old me is loooong gone for years, it’s getting far and far from myself. I can’t face the reality, I can’t accept and tolerate the words and actions she did to me! Do I really deserve all these shit and continue living ?! Nobody wish to understand how I’m feeling and what I’m going through, I also doesn’t wish to talk about it either because I feel that all the topic irritates people. There’s times when I hate to listen and talk to people even my own family members, which I don’t know why and something that I’m unable to control. 

Really wish to be alone most of the time, doesn’t want to talk or even go out. Just wish to stays home Everyday and sleep through the day but it’s just so difficult for me. I have family and kids to look after which leads me more tiring till I’m unable to focus on myself what I really need and to save myself too. 

The worst thing in my life is not having kids and responsibilities for my family but the no cure illness which make my life stressful and miserable. Just like riding a roller coaster for lifetime, when you’re controlling well the result will be good but when you’re not doing well everything is really damn bad. Got to focus on it and family too all in once which is really tiring and torturing but there’s no one you could approach for help and concern...

When days and times passed by there’s more to think about and all is negative and so depressed which I really wish to die most of the time. I wanted to hurt myself to make myself feel more pain to relieve the pain inside me but people around me are just commenting why I’m doing that which I feel so irritated. There’s no way for me to vent my anger or even relieve the pain inside me, so that’s why I’m feeling so down and kept everything inside myself. 

(Image from Google search)

The fifth month already ...

The time now is 1am and I’m still not sleeping yet because I just done posting on my Instagram of JongHyun and SHINee upcoming album. It’s the fifth month today that you’re on the other side of the world my beautiful angel, still hoping that you’re not suffering anymore and doing fine over there ❤️ SHINee’s 10th anniversary is coming near and I believe you know that, please bless the other SHINee members for the upcoming events and promoting, their health and happiness too. I believe you will too~ please do shines as bright as the moon, we know you’re watching over us. Love you and miss you so much ❤️❤️❤️

I’m able to post on Instagram and blogger st this late hour because my newborn is sleeping and I hope he just wake up for milk and falls back to sleep for the next few hours. I’m actually feeling really tired for this few weeks as my newborn have been clingy and waking up middle of the night for hours. I’m unable to have a good rest or even sleep, it’s my confinement too but somehow it’s seems like I still got many task to do haha! Really hope everything could settle down soon so that everyone of us won’t feel so tired and worried or even irritated, oops!

Aright I shall go for bed now, good night! :) 

(Image from Google search ...)

SHINee is Back !!!

I’m really feeling so excited but at the same time  I think my heart could not take it too, as the boys are promoting as 4 members in future. I’m happy that they’re back and hope all the shawol and people around the world who love SHINee give them as much love and support as possible, I believe they will. 

I could not 100% say that I’m a shawol but I do really love them and since I was in secondary school, I remember that time the hit song was “REPLAY” and then RDD! I started to get more interested in them after the RDD so I get to see SHINee’s Hello Baby as well. Slowly my love and supports for them gain so fast haha! 

I have always catch up on their news, promotions and etc till after SHERLOCK album is released I’ve start to lose concentration on SHINee because I was getting married due to unplanned pregnancy. Everything just come in so sudden and slowly I didn’t get to be on social media often or even get to see TV that much, I was married over to live with my in laws. Some times I did scroll through Facebook for SHINee updates but not that often for their music, video and promotion. 

I wish to love them and supports them more but I’m unable to, it’s was a huge shocking news and so heart broken when JongHyun took his own life and leave this world. That’s the time when I feel that my life is full of regrets which I didn’t get to support them through social media, I adores them so much! I’ve also slowly started to get back tracks on SHINee since last year which I was pregnant with my third prince, till now I’m still feeling guilty and sad for not paying attention and supports them through these years, 

When people gets to have family either they have to concentrate on working or the family and the kids. It’s difficult to have their own time when actually we have kids at home, now I have a 5 YO, a 3 YO and a newborn. This coming Sunday is the baby full month which I’m free from confinement hahaha! But already starting to worry about financial... sighhhhh!

I just have to wait patiently for the dates to be here and I’m so looking forward to the music!!! Hope I’ll get to see photos and video of them for the new promotions and especially the fan meeting, omg~ I’m so jealous for those people who are able to meet them in real life and too bad I don’t know Korean well haha! 

사랑해요! 샤이니~ ❤️❤️❤️ 화이팅! 

(Above image are screenshots from SHINee Facebook page)

Nobody feel my pain ...

Today since afternoon I’ve been so emotional, I can’t tolerate the stress and sadness which nobody could feel how painful I am actually. Nobody knows how tired I am on the inside and outside which really makes me wanted to die, I just feel like tearing but I’ve got to hold it because my boys is at home. I really wanted to cry out loud but sometimes I’m really so tired that I’ve actually fall asleep before I could even cry... 

Most of the time when I do feel so not me I just keep scrolling through Instagram for SHINee’s videos and photos, but when I saw JongHyun I still feel so heart broken. I could really somehow knew the pain and the suffer he have went through. But I’m not totally 100% understood the feelings and experience, I also could not compare how much one another suffered. Everyone got their own feelings and experience but it’s just feel so sad and hopeless most of the time, only tears able to explain everything ... 

Most of the time I do feel of leaving this world, it’s just so tiring! So unfair and so cruel! But I’m not strong enough to end my life, I really wish I have the courage like JongHyun Oppa... it’s sad and pity for him to leave like this but the pain and the suffers he’s having, no words and comment. Hope that he’s really in a good place now and he’s not suffering anymore... my beautiful angel! I miss you!~ ❤️

Happy Mother’s Day! (2018)

Would like to wish all brave and wonderful beautiful mummies around the world a Happy Mother’s Day! May everyone stays healthier and happier than before, may all good luck and happiness comes to you all. 

This year Mother’s Day I’m on confinement, there’s no big feast for me hahaha!!! 

Wanted to thank my Husband for the token of his heart for getting me a flower this morning after he ended his work. Although 2 for $10 haha one for me and one for MIL, but I’m still thankful and appreciates everything he gave me and done for me & the family ❤️ 

Next month is our 5th year anniversary!!! Really hope that I could get something he wanted and some surprise for him too, also wish I got the time to make card for him which I used to do every year. This year we have a new member in the family and there’s more task to do and more responsibilities as well. Really hope we could stay strong! Stay good and well to have our family fill with more happiness :)

Wants to wish my hugest heart and wonderful mummy a Happy Mkther’s Day! May you stay healthier and happier than before~ love you mummy!!! I’m thankful and sorry for not able to do my job as a daughter to you, I should have listen to you or not I won’t ended up living like this. I make you disappointed, I’m not a good daughter but I still hope that you’re happy to see your grandkids at this senior age. I love you mummy~

Also I would like to wish myself a Happy Mother’s Day! Although I’m not a good mummy but I’m still so thankful to have my boys by my side when I’m down and alone, I’ve always thought of them for not letting myself to leave this world. Hope I’m still strong enough after delivered the third one but one thing I sure know is that my body is getting weaker than before. I’m unable to hold the stress and tired that I’m having right now, I’m feeling so much depressed than before. Just hope everything will be fine for me one day and bless my boys to have a beautiful future, wish they could be a good boys and have a good big heart as well. I’ll do my best~ ...

Happy Mother’s Day ! To all the mummies Around every corner of the world! 

Feeling so tired ..

Jong Hyun oopa~ I really wish that I have your courage and also brave enough like you to leave this world. This world is so unfair and torturing, I know... missing you a lot ❤️❤️❤️ 

(08.04.2018) 생일 축하합니다 ~ :)

Jonghyun ! Would like to wish you a happy birthday, really hope you’re doing fine and being happy on the other world. My beautiful angel, you’re always the best amazing artist in my heart. I really do miss you! 

종현오빠 생일 축하합니다! 너무 보고싶어 ~ 사랑해 ❤️